"Teri do takk'yan di nokri, mera lakh'oun ka sawan jaaye"

Hi Everyone,

One of my friends sent me a joke a few days ago about a husband who could not send his wife his salary that month due to the bad economy, so he sent her his love in the form of one hundred "kisses". The wife writes him back telling him how she distributed his "love" to the milkman, electrician and landlord to survive that month. This was the second time I received this joke and I found it hysterically funny.

Last night I was thinking about this scenario and I started to look at the seriousness of this issue. A husband leaving young wife behind, often times with young children, is quite common in a third world country like ours, Pakistan. Even my own brother-in-law, who was a captain in the Pakistan Army at the time, had to leave my sister and young children behind when he went abroad or for Army Exercises where he couldn't take family.

In Pakistan you would hardly find any family who does not have a male member living abroad, and the ratio of the wives and children left behind is quite high. To empathize with these women is not only hard for me, it is quite impossible. Often times these girls find out after they get married that they just became "third wheel" of a money making machine, who is going to support his family for the rest of his life, while "sunehrey din"of her life would be spent waiting for him, his money orders or both. These young girls can easily count their husband's visits on their fingers. And as time goes by, with expenditures increased, these visits become more seldom since heftier money orders are required.

Since most of these women are young, because of culture imposed limitations, family dynamics and "above all" economic conditions they are bound to live with their in-laws. Living in a close environment of the joint family system helps support them in so many aspects of their life, but I feel all through their life they fight an uphill battle to survive in our cruel and not very forgiving society, without the shield called a husband. Then there is another aspect to it which is heartbreaking. With time these girls become an easy target for all kinds of exploitation. Some have to face a lot of finger pointing as well, and the mistrust that follows often leads to irreparable damages, like divorce.

On the flip side, life is extremely hard for young men who come abroad looking to make a decent living so they can provide their families back home with a comfortable life. Since they have to send whatever money they make home, they live in adverse conditions, while their families often don't even realize what they go through. There is a whole generation of SONS growing up without the presence or supervision of the FATHERS and the compensation they receive every month in the form of money often times hurts more than it helps, as these young boys get these rewards, without seeing the trials and tribulations their fathers had to go through to come up with that sum. It is a no win situation on either side.

I have four grown daughters, and I have learnt to look at issues like this with their perspective as well. Since they are born and raised in America, their take on this is quite different. They can't imagine a marriage where the husband is an absentee, and where they have to live with their in-laws, along with their children. It is hard for my daughters to even comprehend this scenario as they are raised in a "rich" and "fair" society.

AFTER ALL IT IS ALL ABOUT ECONOMICS

Much love,

Shehla