"Mayen ni mein kinnu aakh'an"

"mere chaaraagar ko naved ho, saf-e-dushmanaa.n ko Khabar karo

wo jo qarz rakhate the jaan par, wo hisaab aaj chukaa diyaa...."

"jo ruke to koh-e-garaa.N the ham, jo chale to jaa.n se guzar gaye
rah-e-yaar hamane qadam qadam, tujhe yaadagaar banaa diyaa"

Hi Everyone,

My mother was the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. I have never seen anybody like her as the mold was broken after she was created.

This portrait of hers was taken right before she got married. Before she passed away, I did not pay special attention to it. After all, it was a silent lifeless photograph. When she died all of a sudden though, this portrait of my mother became alive. I brought it back with me and hung it in my living room. I felt a very strong connection with it as I noticed that if I was down it would look at me with sad and helpless eyes, and if I was happy it would give me a subtle smile. On the risk of sounding crazy I am gonna say that it adapted to all my moods and I feel in some ways was there through all my triumphs and tribulations that life had to offer me. I don't know about you, but I have never seen this expression before where the face is smiling but the eyes are telling a different story and both feelings come at you so strong that you don't know which one to believe.

She died when she was 52, fifteen months younger than I am right now. She was a vivacious woman whose life was full of colors. She would love to laugh and entertain people. I have yet to meet a more charming lady than her. You would leave her home perhaps not remembering what she fed you, or even what she said to you, but you definitely remember how she made you feel.......like a million bucks. My mother was a beautiful blend of strength and vulnerability. She was worldly and had a special knack for treating people with dignity. My sister Ghazala and I inherited a few of her characteristics, but not enough, especially not her "baankpun" that was all her own. She was a beauty with unparalleled wisdom and her stamp is evident on all her four children, but she was a league of her own.

She was in love with her sons. I think it was more like an "ishq" as it was on another level. In her motherly eyes they could do no wrong. By 1975, both my brothers left home. One joined the Pakistan Army and the other enrolled in Hassan Abdal Institute, and my mother was never the same again. Sometimes she would go hungry all day not knowing if her sons had eaten yet. Both of them took a big chunk of her soul as they left home.

In 1984 she came to stay with us when my daughter Khadija was born. I would take her perfume hunting since she was very fond of them and liked to collect. She always had a beautiful fragrance on and I was in love with the way she smelled. She used to get annoyed with the fact that Ghazala and I didn't share her passion.

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She fell ill in 1988 and was admitted to Nishtar Hospital. I was expecting Hashim (my youngest son) when I heard of her grave condition. I left as soon as I could, but not soon enough as she passed away while I was boarding the plane in New York. Before she went into a coma she would ask everybody, "Shehla aa gayi hay?" as she was trying to stall death so we could say our final goodbyes.

I was picked up from Multan Airport but was not told of her being gone. When I got home, there was a flood of people and what I saw was her "death" on each and every face and nobody had to tell me she died. Every life she touched was there. My brothers were devastated, my sister was traumatized, and my father didn't know what hit him. I was unconsolable as my aunts and uncles were all gathered around me. The pity I saw in everyone's eyes, I could not bear. I didn't want to see anybody's face, and the face I wanted to see had vanished. So many eyes were cornering me and questioning , "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? YOUR MOTHER DIED WAITING FOR YOU". I guess all of us who live so far away from our loved ones either already have or will face this question at least once in their lifetime.

The first time after I went to visit my Naani after my mother's death, she hugged me and said, "Bismillah, meri shezadi beti kee beti ayee hey" while shaking like a leaf. Those words went through my whole being like a knife, as for the first time in my life, I realized that the mother we took for granted at times was someone's precious daughter. To this day when Ghazala and I visit our Mamu and Khala, they try to find their "Zubaida" in us. When they catch a little glimpse of her, tears roll down their cheeks.

After my mother's Chehlum, I came back and all of a sudden developed a liking for perfumes. I went to all the department stores that I took her to and even went to a few exclusive boutiques to find the right fragrance for me. After countless trips and annoying the hell out of way too many sales ladies, I could not find one. One day as I was looking at a perfume ad, it dawned on me that what I was looking for, they didn't sell in the stores. I wanted "apni maa ki khushbu", and that was no more. That day I cried more than I cried when she died. The reality of her death hit me hard, and the scars it left on my soul are fresh to this day.

Modern science has formulated a substitute for mother's milk, bottled it and it sells like crazy. However, since every mother has her own special "mehak" that only her children can recognize and like finger prints no two are alike, modern science is helpless.

After giving "conditional" love to so many people in my life, I crave the "unconditional" love she showered me with. It has been 22 years and I am even forgetting the taste of it as I don't have the luxury and indulgence of a MOTHER anymore. I don't have a mother whose du'aas would shield me from anything and everything. Just as Moses was cautioned to watch his step since his mother's prayers were no more, I have been watching my step for more than two decades now and am very tired.

As I sit in my special corner every morning and evening and pray for my children and their children, sometimes I can't help but wish that she would appear from somewhere, even for few seconds, so we can say our goodbyes, rather SO LONG.......

These are two sher's from my Ammi's favorite ghazal that she used to hum once in a while:

"gulo.n me.n rang bhare, baad-e-naubahaar chale
chale bhii aao ki gulshan kaa karobaar chale"

"maqaam 'Faiz' koii raah me.n jachaa hii nahii.n
jo kuu-e-yaar se nikale to suu-e-daar chale"

Much Love,

Shehla