"Meri Zaat Zarra-e-be Nishaan"

"qismat mein meri chain say jeena likh day

dobay na kabhi mera safina likh day
jannat bhi gawara hai magar mere liyeh
ay Qatib e tadqeer Madina likh day..."

Hi Everyone,

I never considered myself a deeply religious person, and please don't put a "fatwa" on me when I say that I have followed my beautiful religion of Islam more unconsciously than consciously. I often catch up to "Haqook-e-Allah" but feel am quite up to the mark regarding "Haqook-el-ebad". When my son, Haroon, made arrangements to take me to Umrah, I was besides myself at his gesture.

Since I am not careless with my money, I always travel in economy class but this time it was more crucial to do so as my destination was Mecca Mukarma where I knew I wouldn't be classified. I entered the economy section after walking through the first class and the business class, and noticed for the first time that most people had no class whatsoever and no business being there. Noticing this, I proudly flew in the economy class along with the hopes and dreams of people like me.

As a women who lost her mother 22 years ago, I often craved the open door and wide open arms of my mother and finally got the exact same feeling as I entered Masjid-e-Nabvi in Madinah. I felt as someone was waiting here for me for the last 53 years, was so happy that I finally "came home" and I was welcome to stay as long as I wished. I could confess my sins without being judged, could admit my failures without being scolded, and could show my scars to get comfort. The courtyard of Masjid-e-Nabvi was as familiar to me as my mother's "aangan" as it gave me a sense of belonging instantaneously. The tears I shed in this holier than holy place were the same tears I shed every time I would go into my mother's arms after a long separation, the same tears that came from the embarrassment of coming up too short, and of sadness of getting there way late.

Even the azan in Madinah was very soft as it seemed someone you know quite well and trust was calling you for namaz and in a subtle way trying to put you on the right path, another thing I could relate to my mother, or any mother. I left Madinah with an assurance that everything that was not right in my life will be alright.

"Balaghal ula be kamalehi
Kasha fad dujaa bijamaalihi
Hasunat jami’u khisaalihi

Sallu ‘aleyhi wa aalih"

Although Allah (swt) lives in my heart, when I went to Mecca I was very nervous since I was going to face my creator for the very first time. I entered the Khana ka'ba and as was told, kept looking down until I got really close. I was memorizing my first du'a as I was walking up and then I looked up and what I saw......there are absolutely no words to sketch that scene, at least not in my vocabullary. I am sure I missed a few heartbeats and forgot to breathe as I felt weak in my knees. My heart, my mind, my soul, my "khudi", and my sensibility kneeled down and went in sajda before my body could as tears were rolling down my cheeks since I knew I didn't have much to show for it. I was afraid if I went in sajda, I wouldn't be able to get up as I was surrendering more than I thought I had. I was finally in front of my creator, stripped down to my soul, stripped of all my worldly belongings, which might have counted against me anyways.

My first du'a was for my six beautiful children. I started begging for their happiness, success,"sirat-ul-mustaqeem" and long and healthy lives for them as I knew only a mother's du'a could change a child's destiny. It was between me and my creator. I believed I had Almighty Allah's undivided attention when I was in front of Him, who was going to accept me with all my faults, flaws, and shortcomings, and was going to grant me anything and everything I wanted. What I wanted was all about my children as I myself didn't even exist. When all of a sudden it hit me that Allah loved me not twice, not ten times, but seventy times more than I loved my children, my eyes started drying. I started to get my strength back that only a mother's love could give a child. I stood up straight and like a little girl started telling Him what good I had done (I think) in my life. In my mind, it was like a barter system where in return I could get a few good things for my family, but frankly speaking came up quite short.

There were people of all different colors, races, and ethnicities but they all had a common denominator with me: mine and their belief in Almighty Allah and what a beautiful bond it was. I felt as connected to them as I felt with my own siblings, coming from one mother's womb. Then as I kissed "Hajr-e-aswad", it saddened me that it got darker than it was while it washed away all my sins. During "Sai" in "Safa" and "Marwa", I marveled at how brave Hazarat Hajra was. Although I was walking in an air conditioned hall and upon marble floor, which made it hard for me to empathize with the excruciating physical and mental hardships she went through, somehow I did. I started to feel her helplessness and could relate to her courage as well. The courage that is only bestowed in a mother's heart, which enables her to do anything and everything in her power and beyond for her child. Even Allah could not help but to give her what she wanted for her child........water in a barren valley, Subhan Allah.

The azan in Khana Ka'ba had an authoritative tone to it. It was telling me to drop everything, kneel down and go in sajda. It was very different from the azan I heard in Madinah.......it seemed it was from my creator.

I thought I was late in my life in getting to Mecca but when I got there, I felt it was the perfect time for me because I got pretty much out of the superficialities of this world and now understood the realities of life completely. I had already embraced my flaws and falls and knew exactly what I wanted from my creator and what my creator expected of me. Allah had given me so much without asking, but now was the time to get on my knees, cry, and beg his forgiveness. It was the time to open my "jholi" and ask him if for nothing else, to let me keep what I already had.

I feel so blessed that I stood before my creator one time before I will on the day of judgement and asked him for a second chance and a new lease on life.

Much love,

Shehla