Na koi dooja hor pehchaana,
Maethon hor na koi siyaana,
Bulla! ooh khadda hai kaun, Bulleya Ki jaana main Kaun"
Every child deserves the indulgence of a carefree bachpan and no child should have to grow up without the luxury of their mother's aangan. I was lucky enough to enjoy both joys in great abundance.
The line of work my father was in had a downside to it that we had to move to a different city every 2 to 3 years. My mother, God rest hersoul, hated it. It wasn't that easy for her to pick up and move to a new and different place, try to settle her family there, and then pretty soon have to leave again. Every now and then she would complain about it, but being a child, I was totally obvilious to her difficulties. I couldn't care less where we lived and there was a reason behind it. Every city we moved to had one thing in it that I needed the most: my mother's aangan.
So many blissful memories are attached to that time. Bringing home a trophy from a softball match was the greatest thrill of my life. My life was full of curiosities, yet filled with a lot of securities. To this day I am carrying the security blanket weaved with the thread of protection my father provided, the countless sacrifices my mother made, and plenty of dreams they both let go so their children could follow theirs. That security blanket carried me through my share of turmoils and insecurities.
To me that was a magical place set in a magical time. Everything I wanted, everything I needed and much, much more was there for me to have. And then my three siblings were there to keep me entertained.While we were wrestling with each other, fighting over toys, fighting over our parent's attention, and sometimes trying to out do each other, consciously or unconsciously we were forming a unbreakable bond. It was very hard for me to leave the good place that I was at when I got married.
When I left my parents house for good, a little girl came with me. Somehow I never felt her 'presence' there. I am still not sure if I asked her to come or she just tagged along for the roller coaster ride called 'life'. She was a bit younger but looked exactly like me. One more thing I had in common with her was that she had my name......she was my NAMESAKE. Now I understand why my newlywed husband at the time used to complain at times about babysitting his new bride as I feel this young girl used to come out quite often just to irritate him. It was hard for the poor man to juggle both of us at the same time, but she was not successful in scaring him off.
My namesake is always with me. To me she is like a souvenir from a happy place. She plays an adamant role in my day to day life, and has become quite indispensable ....
otherwise I would have gotten rid of her by now. She takes me by my hand and walks me away from pain when I feel completely incapacitated. She becomes reckless when I am timid as hell, she plays dumb when I am too sharp for my own good, she exploits big time when I am being exploited, and she is completely irrational when i am 'painfully' logical. She jumps out of her skin when I hold back, she lashes back when I am attacked. I admire her when she holds her own as I fall apart, she takes a stand as I am willing to take it lying down. I love her for having total faith in herself, while I have absolute faith in Almighty Allah, for recognizing my tarnished soul when I myself don't have the heart to do it, for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when I am blinded by hopelessness.
I am afraid to let her go. As a matter of fact, as time is passing by, I am holding on to her even more. Can anyone of you really blame me for doing so? I feel she is my 'survival' (although, I could easily be her survival too). I made a conscious decision to not let her grow up, while she is trying her utmost to stall my aging. Now that I have lived more than half a century and have started winding up my life, I have become more sure of the fact that since I couldn't face 'life' without her, I wouldn't be able to face 'death' without her either.
On a lighter note, and at the risk of getting slapped with a heavy 'fatwa', I want her to come with me when I face my Creator. Maybe she can come up with a few 'justifications' to get me an 'easier sentence'. While I plead guilty, she could take the plea of insanity. I think she should come along for this ride as well because I don't want her to outlive me since I feel my loved ones wouldn't be able to handle her 'full strength'.
"VAY BULLYA ASAN MARNA NAHI GOAR PAYA KOI HOAR....."
Much Love,
Shehla
4 comments:
In our souls, we are still that small child who did not care about anything else but the beautiful colors of a rainbow and toys. We do leave the mothers aangan and fathers lap but we can never take them out of their hearts. Certain things make sense only when you carry a little girl inside you. Keep it alive !
Shehla -thanks for this trip down the memory lane.
This is so beautiful and poignant - and so painfully true, that it brought tears to my eyes. It's a difficult journey that most women embark on not knowing what path lies ahead. All I've learnt is that parents cannot sufficiently prepare their daughters for life's obscure course, as they're too busy loving and pampering their precious treasures and then suddenly, they leave to start a new life with a virtual "stranger".
Another gem from your magic fingers,Shehla Baji!
Indeed a very thought-provoking one. Such can only be written by one with much aware and clear conscience with fear and respect for the Creator. Certainly, it is mother's lap which teaches the best morale and traits we develop, which is very obvious in the blog.
Shehla appy, you must be thankful to the creator for being blessed with such namesake which always alerts you whenever you are in need, and pray for those who need it. Again I must say, a very impressive write-up.
Brotherly,
Faisal Qureshi.
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