"Prism"

"Iss Dil K Dareeda Daman Mein

Dekho To Sahi, Socho To Sahi 

Jiss Jholi Mein Sou chaid howay 

Uss Jholi Ka Phailana Kya 

Insha Ji Utho Ab Kooch Kero Iss Sheher Mein Ji Ko Lagana Kya"

Hi everyone, 

With my 60th birthday only a few months away, I found myself in desperate need to reflect upon so much that has happened and moreso that could have happened. I chose a bright sunny day to pull myself together and to sit comfortably in a small corner of my not so small house, while I dissected myself!

 

Ironically, or perhaps luckily, I still require a restraining order against the inner child in me, who I deal with quite often. One doesn't realize how enigmatic one is until one dares to look through oneself and I was much more enigmatic than I realized I was! It was like looking through a kaleidoscope at the risk of getting vertigo. The different aspects and dimensions of my psyche and the idiosyncratic ways I came up to combat my day to day battles made my head spin. 

At times, I have been so discriminatory and gave myself breaks which I didn't deserve, yet at times have been totally unfair and have held myself accountable for things I didn't do. This human equation of the curve has shrewdly taken control out of my two hands and despite of my shortcomings, has been serendipitous throughout my life. 

The most inestimable lesson I learned was that my lineage, my pedigree, and my creed was of no value and importance to anyone but myself. What was important and of value was how I engineered and executed my days, what I offered in a relationship to others, and how I held on to my pride at a very steep price. Although life has never been unkind to me, it has tested my limits through human as well as inhumane relationships and subsequently has helped me define my limits; perhaps the best way to define your limits!

What is in my 'Jholi' at this moment took me sixty years to accumulate and in fact is at no risk whatsoever of accumulative depreciation! It has my fragile pride, my bruised ego, my pure yet insecure heart, my sensitivities, my humility, my plausible mind (as well as my plausible deniability), my improvisations, my acts of kindness, my salutes to humanity, my efforts to please with great élan, my immunity to arrogance, my determination to stay grounded, my obligations to underdogs, my ability to look away, my precious inner strength, my fearlessness, my zero tolerance for abuse of each and every kind, my standing up to anyone at any cost, my outlandish aspirations, my compassion by default, my fairness by design, my submissions to elders, my resistances to temptations, my confessions to myself, my reclusive days, my uncontrollable tears, my fake smiles, my two eyes that have seen too much, my keen observations, my lost battles, my adamant and uncompromising religious beliefs, my sublime thought process, and last but not least, my infallible poker face!

Just like everyone else I haven't the foggiest idea how long I am going to be around for, but I indubitably know what I want to be remembered for; for my immense courage and for giving up my beautiful and kind children to this enchanting world of virtues and vices! For nothing more for nothing less!

Much love,

Shehla